Posts Tagged ‘suicide’

Divorce, Suicide, and the broken family values

February 1, 2011

I believe a person can be driven to suicide. I believe harassment or lies can hurt someone to the point they would take their own life. Statics say 90% of suicides are from long term depression and mental illness. So what about that other 10%? Bullying and divorce account for some of that 10% according to my online research. I have lots of links to research showing how it affects men when women lie during a divorce just to take the child from the father. What women need to realize is that once you have a child with a man, you always have a connection to that man whether you want to continue that connection or not. It is not right nor fair to try to take the child from the father just because you don’t like him anymore. He is the child’s father and you have to learn to share the child if you don’t plan to stay with the father.

My brother’s story. Chip was not only happy but wanted everyone around him happy; until his wife not only cheated on him but told lies to take their daughter away from him. Let me make one point clear here about Chip. He was not depressed nor did he suffer from mental illness. In a mere four days, his life, as he knew it, completely unraveled to become intolerable to him.

About 2-3 months before his death, his wife told him that she went on a few dates with a guy she knew from her SLU classes and admitted it to Chip. At that time, she claimed she wanted to work on their marriage and relationship. She claimed she loved him and wanted their marriage. She led him to believe nothing happened other than two lunch dates and that it was over. He told me how he forgave it, and they agreed to work on the marriage. Later she tells her family that she made it up because she had to tell Chip something about why she was acting the way she was and he would not stop harassing her until she admitted to something.  However, what I have pieced together from what he told me, our mother, our sister, and from what his friends witnessed in behavior from him and her when they were around, it is a totally different story.

He tried to make her happy while she just complained how depressed she was and how she wanted to hurt herself. She even wrote in her school notebooks about being depressed and wanting to hurt herself. He tried to convince her to see a therapist rather than just getting Lexapro from her general doctor who is known for writing prescriptions too easily. He had her agreeing to see a therapist at one point but she went to visit her mother and returned to Chip in a bad mood. He told me how she was repeating things her mother told her about how her depression was not a sign that she needed a new medication but that the depression was a symptom of being unhappy with Chip.

Less than a month before his death, one of the ball players on their co-ed ball team told Chip that Sarah was cheating on him with Nick-one of the other team members and that everyone in the dug-out knew. Chip confronted Sarah who denied it. He believed her.

Friday, October 29th, she told him she loved him and wanted to go out for dinner (a few days before she told him in front of another friend that she wanted to go home and make love with Chip-they had not been having husband-wife relations because they were “working” on their marriage). He wanted to make it a nice dinner so he asked our parents if he could help around the farm for a bit of extra cash to take his wife out to dinner. While he was working hard to make a bit of spending money to take her out on a special dinner date, Sarah was supposed to be at SLU in classes and working her graduate assistant job on campus. Later he found out she went to visit her mom at work. After visiting with her mom at work, Sarah shows up with police at their home to take their child (Ellie) away while having Chip served with an order of protection claiming he had been abusing her for months and that he had even raped her. She claimed, he would not let her out of the house so she had been trying to leave him for over a month and could not. The order of protection and officers serving it, let her take Ellie with no proof of such abuse. The court date was set for the following Thurs Nov 4. Chip would not be allowed to see his child until after he proved he was not abusing Sarah. She was not required to prove abuse but he was required to prove there was no abuse.

She texted him just hours before she showed up with the police to take the child. He showed the texts to the officers who came with her to take their child from him using an order of protection that she obtained by lying on the paperwork-saying he held her hostage, abused her, and raped her. The texts said she missed him and loved him and was on her way home. She sent so many mixed signals that he felt she was in need of a real therapist. On Saturday October 30th we spoke on the phone; he told me how he wanted to insist on therapy in hopes of saving his marriage when he went to court to fight the charges against him. He said if after therapy, she still wanted a divorce then fine but he felt she needed therapy as her mind was being too wishy-washy. He was concerned she was being manipulated by her mother who hated him. He wanted Sarah to decide not her mother.

Once their co-ed team and other friends heard she was claiming abuse, they all started coming forward to tell Chip that she was still messing around with Nick. One told him she had admitted to having sex with Nick. Another told him how she used his house to meet up with Nick and do drugs. All of his friends witnessed her loving and kissing on Chip in public during the time she claimed he was abusing her. Several of them recalled visits to Chip and Sarah’s home, and how she would lay in bed complaining while Chip would have to take care of Ellie-getting her ready for kindergarten and taking her to school. I was told after his death how all the teachers and staff at Ellie’s school thought he was a great father who was always there for his child dropping her off and picking her up from school when needed-even picking her up early when she had an accident at school.

On Nov 1, Chip confronted Nick, and Nick denied about having relations with Sarah. Chip believed him (Chip so wanted to believe it was not another man but that Sarah’s depression was out of control and her mother was using it to break them up). It was well known by Chip and his family that Sarah’s mother did not like Chip.

Monday night Nov 1 another friend on the team showed Chip a video of Sarah and Nick. Nick was rubbing on Sarah in an intimate manner in front of their child. He saw the video just hours after confronting Nick who denied the affair. Someone stayed with Chip that night because his friends could tell he was upset after seeing the video. After all, he had believed Nick and Sarah when they denied the affair. Partly because he wanted to believe it, but partly because it was not the first time accusations of an affair had arisen in their marriage-friends when they were first married had tried to break them up with accusations of him cheating when he had not cheated so he thought maybe someone was trying to break them up again as previously. Thus he believed Nick and Sarah when they denied the accusations only to have video proof of the affair shown to him. It destroyed him.

The morning of his suicide, Chip received a phone call from Sarah’s dad demanding junk from him that she “left” at their home. Her dad used this phone call as a opportunity to hurt Chip by telling him things like “you don’t have a family” and “Sarah no longer loves you”. Chip told his family about the phone call from Sarah’s dad because it upset him. I saw what was left at their home and there was little to nothing of Sarah’s things left there. A few old dirty clothes and some storage chests which were mostly empty. They took his child and kicked him even further with their insensitive words. Personally I feel the phone call was just an opportunity to hurt Chip with the words, “you don’t have a family” because there was nothing there to warrant a phone call to Chip when Chip was under the order of protection so he was not allowed to call or contact Sarah or his child in any manner.

The morning of Nov 2 Chip made an excuse to our parents for going horse back riding. Got away from everyone; broke into our parent’s to get a gun. Went back to his house; sat on the floor with his wedding pictures and prom pictures with Sarah. Put the gun in his mouth and shot himself. He left a note but the note was not found until the next day on top of the cabinets up high. I suspect he was planning it all during the night as he mentions the video in the note and how Sarah and Nick both lied to his face about them cheating on him. He was willing to fight for his family when he thought it was Sarah’s depression out of control. He could not handle the truth. She was cheating with someone he had called friend.

She was so under handed that she gave him no notice that she was leaving because she kept up the pretense of loving him and wanting him up until the last moment when she had him served with papers. Text messages to him of her love plus his friends verified that she gave no indication of her intent to leave him. Thus he was completely blind sided by the order of protection claiming he was abusing her. He had no indication of what she was about to do because she continued to play the loving wife openly while cheating secretly.

It has been very difficult and my family blames Sarah for her part in the lies she told. She wanted to leave him but she wanted make it look like her leaving was his fault by saying he was abusing her when he was not. His wife had been telling lies to people at college/work about him for a year (found out this after he shot himself). She told her boss that Chip made her late to work or made her miss work. The truth was she would not get out of bed (friends even witnessed her refusal to get out of bed when visiting).

He had witnesses who were going to testify on his behalf that she never did housework (Chip did all the housework), she stayed in bed all day of her own free will complaining how she did not feel good, and she would kiss and hug him in public of her own free will. She would initiate the public displays of affection all during the time she was telling lies about how he abused her to her boss and friends at work/college. Plus no one had seen a single bruise on her all during the HOT months when she is known for wearing shorts and skimpy clothes. She did not want to admit she was leaving him for another man so she made up lies about my brother so she could take their child away from him while justifying to her family why she was leaving her husband.

Sarah did not come to his funeral. In fact it is reported by friends that she was at classes and went to work on the day of his funeral services. Her mother told my sister that they did not tell Ellie that her father is dead nor will they tell her that her father is dead because they feel 5 years is too young to understand such. They refuse to allow any of Chip’s family to see Ellie. My parents had to sue for Grandparent’s rights for visitation now. When they finally got to see Ellie, she made comments regarding “her daddy” which upset my mother because it shows someone (either Sarah or her family) told Ellie mean stuff about her daddy. She said at one point that her daddy is in Hell and then came back later to say her daddy had to be in heaven. How dare they continue to badmouth an innocent dead man just because Sarah refuses to admit to her family the truth. Chip never abused her. Her father was even caught telling someone at Ellie’s school that Chip abused his wife. A friend of our family over heard and went off on the Mr Patrick Leemans for the lies against Chip.

Sarah even admitted to one of my cousins that Chip never abused her. My cousin writes, As for the restraining order. I spoke with her and asked what happened. It is not at all what everyone has told me. What he did scared her, she never said he beat her or anything like that but he did keep her from leaving the house b/c he didn’t want her to leave him.“ First, this cousin was never Chip’s friend and only became Sarah’s friend after his death. So this cousin did not even really know Chip and Sarah before all this happened but because she is willing to listen to Sarah’s lies and believe them, Sarah is willing to befriend her. Second, witnesses who visited the house can attest to the fact that Sarah would not get out of bed to even go to work or school some days. She would complain she felt bad while Chip would tell her she needed to get up or she would be late. Third, Sarah was in school and had a job, Chip could not keep her from either of those and did not try-she tried to tell people he was the reason she was late for work or school but the truth was she would not get up out of bed. He admitted to me that the only time he stopped her from leaving the house was during a fight they had. He told me how he made her wait to calm down because she was so upset and trying to leave in a vehicle while upset. He would not let her leave that time while upset because he was concerned she would hurt herself or Ellie while driving especially considering she kept writing about killing herself in her school notebooks-notebooks by the way that she left behind which are in her hand writing. He showed those notebooks to my mother and my sister. In one of them I am told she even wrote about wanting to have an accident on the way home from school so she could die. He told me that time was the only time he stopped her but that he had to physically pick her up and take her into the house to stop her from driving while upset. She not only blew the incident up out of proportion but she added to it saying he raped her in her request for an order of protection over a month after the fight occurred.

My husband has kept me from driving while upset before too. I know he did it out of concern for my well being and his mental health as he would never forgive himself if I got into an accident while driving after a fight. It does not mean I was not angry with him at the time it happened, it just means I am not going to lie and claim it was something other than what it was-his way of stopping me from leaving while upset was physically restraining me from leaving. That is not abuse. That is part of being married and in a relationship where occasionally the couple fights. After she calmed down and they stopped fighting, she was allowed to leave. After all it was over a month before she filed for the order of protection during which time she was going around town shopping, visiting her mother, work, school, and other places all after the fight in which he supposedly “scared her” for daring to stop her from leaving during a fight.

I also have known Sarah for the 5 years that they were together, and while I might not know her as a best friend, I do know she is a wimp of the first degree. She is one of THOSE women that every little thing is an event for her to complain about. If her husband, my brother, had ever dared to really hurt her, she would have been yelling it to the police the moment it happened, not a month afterward. Anyone who knows her knows I am telling the truth in that she is the biggest adult baby always crying over any perceived little insult. I use to excuse her as being just very sensitive but now I realize she is just really selfish and uses the crying to get her way and make people feel sorry for her. There is no way my brother ever hit her without her going absolutely freaking nuts over it immediately. Beyond the fact that he was not the type to ever hit a woman and was raised to protect women, she is just too much a cry baby to have ever allowed him to hit her even once without her running to scream it to the world immediately. So yes her story stinks of lies to anyone who knows this woman.

Sarah lied and took his child from him. Her family believing her lies tormented him by telling him things like he “no longer had a family”. We can not even press charges on Sarah or her family for the lies she told and the harassment they inflicted on my brother. Ultimately my brother did chose the quick way out instead of fighting for his child and rights as a father. However, I feel Sarah should be charged for making false accusations as she did. Maybe if she had a record for lying then she would not be allowed to get away with it next time with her next failed marriage and husband. Unfortunately the courts won’t do a thing about women who lie to get custody and hurt the spouses. I am working to change laws which will start holding women accountable for proving abuse before custody is taken from the father. These laws will hold women accountable for paying fines and paying the husband’s court cost should it be proven the woman is lying simply to gain custody battle upper hand. New Jersey is the first state to have such a law on the books. Others will see the light once it is known that 80% of all Domestic Abuse claims in divorce are false for the simple reason that the woman wants custody.

Courts are already stressed with more than they can handle. What the court does not take into account is that if someone who makes frivolous claims was held accountable then it would cut down the frivolous claims thus cutting down some of the work load of the court. If a person could not prove the claim then they would be fined for having made the claim in the first place. How many would think before claiming abuse then?

I am a woman’s rights activist who is very grateful for women like my hero Elizabeth Cady Stanton. However, woman’s rights should not mean taking a man’s rights away. There is a middle ground. That middle ground needs to be governed by common sense which our courts need to exercise. Claims in all other court cases require proof of the claim. Woman’s rights groups would have us believe that all men are evil but statistics show that women are the most likely to be abusive while men tend not to report the abuse. Thus it stands to reason that women who make frivolous claims should be held accountable by the courts in the interest of both justice and equal rights.

It is estimated 80% of domestic abuse claims in a divorce situation is false. Meaning 80% of women getting a divorce claim abuse in order to obtain sole or primary custody of the children thus granting the woman child support and sometimes alimony. Many attorneys have even admitted to pressuring women to claim domestic abuse in order to get the upper hand in the divorce. One woman started a yahoo group claiming that she made her husband her “slave” because he was required to financially support her and the children without having rights for himself with his children.

When women like Sarah make false claims of abuse just to take the children away, it becomes harder for the real abuse victims to get the help they need because people don’t believe the abuse is real after seeing so many false claims.