trauma


How does one recognize trauma? It was that feeling when online shopping where a website greeted me with, “O Hey, Gorgeous!” when I felt that heart stopping moment of fear. That moment when I felt that moment it took a few more moments for me to realize he is not watching my online movements–despite the fact that he is a self-proclaimed computer genius and code writer. It was just a word for the website to greet customers. Not him using the nick-name he had for me for over 14.5 years. “Gorgeous”  A word. A simple word that was meant to make the online shopper feel beautiful but which caused me extreme emotional stress for just a few moments until logic re-asserted itself.

I have been slowly coming to realize that my ex was a controlling and manipulative person with shit tons of charisma so his controlling never became physically violent because he is that person who could talk his followers into drinking the kool-aid. In fact, he, himself, admits he has that type of charisma.

Unfortunately for me, I fell for that narcissistic jerk who only really truly cares for himself.

I look back on the relationship now and wonder, how did I stay in a relationship that was so one sided? Why did I stay when he used me for so long?  He used me and my family (along with his family) for financial support. He used me to do all the responsible stuff like filing paperwork and filling out forms–which then he would sign as if he did the paperwork. He used me to keep the house clean and always made excuses that he just was not “detailed orientated”. He made me feel useful and needed because I felt without me, he would not get his “grand” things done which he was always working on something “grand” even if it never panned out.

When we had his oldest daughter visit, he used me to provide her the care while he got to play and have fun.  What money her mother received came from either his mother or because I saved and sent money. I would even write out checks for him with the amount we could spare and take the check book to him just to have him put his final signature on it so it looked like he was being responsible, not that he was letting me do all the work.

Of course he never formally paid child support because he was never legally declared the father. I tried to help him get the legal paperwork done by saving up money that then got given to his mother and only a portion of that actually went to a legal consult, which never amounted to anything. I mean why would he want to legal claim a child when he can still see her without the legal paperwork? Her mother allowed her to see him from 5 years of age until 10 years of age when the daughter herself decided she no longer wanted to see her father–all that time without him having to pay child support.

So back to that moment when I saw the words, “O Hey, Gorgeous!” I have slowly been realizing I was used by my ex to provide while he systematically built his own ego up and slowly devalued me and my worth not overtly but with sly innuendo. After all I had to take care of him in order to be worthy of him and his attention. He has moved on to someone else now and has her paying the bills and has her doing the housework. He has her taking care of the details now with providing care for our children while he is still Mr. Fun and games.

I know now that I am worth so much more. I deserved so much better. I deserve a partner not a leech.

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